Depressive.

Its like a dark cloud,
that just sits over me.
Rain clouds of thoughts and thoughts.

Thoughts of nothing,
thoughts of everything.
Some times thoughts of thoughts.

Its like being crushed,
under a ten story building.
Like being alone.

The meaning of nothing,
has nothing of meaning.

Thinking of You

By day and night,
my mind gets tighter,
it struggles and fights,
but gets no kinder.

It tries to stop it,
but can't help it.

Its time to stop,
this beating cusp,
because its useless,
and I'm so pissed.

I always get tied up,
in these pointless scuffs.

God please,
just tell me how you feel,
so I can stop thinking,
thinking of you.

Hurry

I don't know what you want me to do,
to be honest with you,
to be trustworthy,
to be loving,
but it just seems so hard..
you make it hard.

You want this,
but get upset over that.
My head keeps winding,
winding in ways I've never dealt with before.

I beg of you,
please just make your mind up.
So I can do it,
and stay as happy as I have been.
Hurry,
Hurry before its too late..

I can feel it happening,
or maybe not.
The paranoia has set it
and its doing much damage.

My thoughts are jumbled,
and my heart is scared.
Its been awhile,
but im almost there.

I'm either there for awhile,
or soon to be gone.
I'm scared to death,
of this thing called love.

I hate depending on people,
and I always get let down.
How do I stop this,
this terrifying feeling.

I'm just going to have to wait it out,
and see what happens.
But for the time being,
I'll let my thoughts eradicate my sanity,
for which will be the end of me.

Untitled

The days have began to blur together,
my mind in a different place.
Thoughts are jumbled and twisted,
feelings non-existent.

My mind travels back.
back to a time,
a time I do not know,
Where things are beautiful,
where there elegant,
true,
and real...

It suddenly stops,
and all I see is darkness.
Its night time in the place I now know
a place where the birds do not chirp,
the children do not laugh,
and the heavenly music from far away does not play.

My world is gray,
and blurred together.
Years have passed and gone,
yet no glimpse of hope..
nor of my destruction.

My mind once again visits that place,
I begin to relax.
My soul is slowly removed from conscious existence,
and my body lies empty and lifeless.

In this place I see a light,
and at the end of this light,
I see you.

Your hair down and flowing,
your scent warm an glowing.

And ever since that tragic day,
my life has been in disarray..

You're mine again,
for at ever ends.

Too much on my plate

College, so far is not looking up to what it was suppose to be.
I have absolutely too much on my plate.
Working full time and school is basically impossible for me.
I fucked up BAD this year, and if I dont improve.. I'm seriously going to have no life,
and the life I wanted is going to be gone..
All I can do it try my fucking hardest next year..
:/

The Passing

The Hourglass is empty,
and the end is here.
Last night is the past,
and today is the beginning.

The beginning is the time of forlorn,
and the end was ample.
Your shadow will always be there,
within the depths of our hearts.

You will be missed,
and missed immensely.

You touched us all,
and left your mark.
Your character..
changed us,
filled us,
and helped us.

Your accent made us giggle,
made us learn,
made us smile.

Farewell,
to those who we care for,
that we love,
and cherish.
You won't be forgotten,
nor will you forget us.

So until next time,
We will raise our glasses to you,
with every dine,
and every shindig.
Until then,
this time will be known,
as The Passing.

I struggle

The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed in the morning,
Waking up not knowing how to make it through the day,
Not knowing who to be,
What you should do, or say.

Depression is hard to deal with,
It grabs you, dragging you in,
The tide is so strong,
You begin to drown you can’t swim.

The only way out,
At least in your mind,
It’s so simple, death,
So you walk that line.

The line where you wake up every day,
And have to decide,
Will today be the day,
That I finally die?

You wonder if the pain will ever cease,
If you will ever feel emotion again,
If you will ever recover,
If you will ever mend.

Then there was a break through,
Or maybe it was the breakdown I needed,
The love broke through,
The crop of light was seeded.

I went to seek help,
Many months of yelling and crying,
Moving past what had happened in my life,
No more living a life full of lying.

Little by little my days begin to brighten,
The sun comes out,
Sometimes though,
It’s still hard not to doubt.

I am on the path to getting better,
To respecting and loving myself,
To not feeling hopeless,
Although I am not restored to full health.

I know I still have work ahead of me,
But at least I am putting the past behind,
I will be rational eventually,
I will have a clear mind.

I Promise

This life is complicated,
Full of strugle and strife,
Some events hurt you bad,
Like the sharp edge of a knife.

Yet when I speak with you,
I forget all the wrongs I have been delt,
My body and soul is filled with warmth,
All my worries begin to melt.

Although our worlds seem so far apart,
We really are in the same place,
Searching for something more,
A new touch, a new smell, a new taste

I open myself to you,
My body, mind, and heart is yours for the taking,
As long as you promise to be faithful,
No lies, no fibs, no faking.

In turn I'll promise you many things,
To care about you like no other,
To hold you, kiss you, and miss you,
My feeling will never stutter.

I will be here for you,
through thick and thin,
I will never give up on you,
I will stick through the end.

Know my love,
That I will be here,
And that it is you I hold,
In my hear so dear.

Untitled

I sit on this rock

Above the water way

Reminiscing about the day

That we let slip away.

The path that led me here

That once shone so beautiful

Is now dark and grey

So different from that day.

Hand in hand

Full of love and laughter

We walked this trail of happiness

In our fairy-tale ever after

As the days go on

Our love will slowly fade

But the memories we shared together

Will forever stay...

In my heart.

-Written in 2006.

Mixed Signals

Its completely and utterly confusing
its like math with me,
something I can not comprehend

Its like a different language,
or a different culture.

Why can't it be simple?
Or at least not as hard.

I hate these feelings
that you give to me.

Do you want me to make a move?
or do you not want to?

Just let me know,
so I can lean in,
and give you that kiss.
That kiss that will change everything.

Could this be?

Ahh. :) I've had an amazing night, and got to know what seems to be an amazing person. I'm not expecting anything out of it, which is the mind setting I need to be!
Its the start of a great friendship.



Maybe more in the future. :)

Who knows.


I'm just not going to think that far ahead.

:)

What is this?
What can I expect?
I feel as if its a mystery,
and it makes me nervous.

I resent it,
and try to stop myself,
I just seem to be attracted to it,
to pain.

Im slowly being drawn in deeper,
and I keep catching my grip,
And I don't know whether you are doing the same.

I dont know whether I want to make my mind up about you,
whether its worth it,
or whether you want it.

I just wanted to tell you..
that I can't do........

Text Message Recieved

:) is all it read..
and I erased everything I was once going to say.

The End Of The End

And the Devil came to me
in a dream.
Said, "The world is not what it
seems."
"Oh dreadful evil serpent,
whatever do you mean?"

"It's dying quick and soon
He'll come.
You know His name,
the Holy One.
So pick your side and
pick it well,
pick it wrong and
you're mine in Hell."

"You know what I picked,"
said I,
when the dream began to fade.
As I opened my eyes,
I soon realized,
A magnificent trumpet was played.

Trying Out Charcoal

My first attempt at charcoal since high school. Didn't turn out that great but it was fun to do. And messy haha. I'm still trying to get the shading and highlighting down (It's a learning process). Not as easy as pencil let me tell ya. Wish the fog at the bottom of the trees and the sky turned out a little better but I know erasing would have probably ruined the whole thing. Oh well :)

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Any tips on charcoal drawing are much appreciated. Thanks! :)

What's changed?

I'm the same person,
in the same house,
the same friends
and the same values.

But whats changed?
You treat me differently,
like I've killed something,
or someone.

You ignore me now,
like I'm nothing,
and thats what it makes me feel like,
like nothing.

So whats changed?
Did I do something terrible,
without my knowing?
Or do I just make you angry now,
because I'm myself?
Or is that I'm content with my life,
and don't need material items to fulfill my self want,
need,
or love.
Unlike you.

You said I was your bestfriend at one point in time,
but it seems to be all lies,
that run through my head every second,
of everyday.

I just do not understand,
why this has to be,
what happened?
Whats changed?

Once again.. Another Rant

Ranting here, helps me so much. So I apologize in advance..

Thank you, for just locking my new puppy up in my room.. So he could shit on my packback <--- LOL Which I thought was funny. But wtf. He chewed up two pairs of flip flops, my pack of gum and my new slippers! WTF. All of my roommates are home.. which means he can be fucking out of my room and roam so you guys can watch him? Okay, sorry that he chewed on part of your battery charger cord for your xBox.. I dont mind for Miles to be in my room while no one is home.. But when everyone is home? What the fuck. Seriously? That is kind of selfish to be honest. Maybe I'm overreacting, but it just makes me mad to think that I seriously, took care of two of my roommates dog (Bf and Gf's dog) for 4 months out of my stay here.. and you can't even handle watching him for a few hours while I am at work? Thank you once again. Thank You for being the BEST roommates ever.

Old Revolver

Far from finished, I still have a lot of shading and detail to do but I'm taking a little break on it to work on a painting. So what do you guys think? I have a ton of tweaking to do on the barrel, getting the lighting/shading right and everything.